TristonJ

The last one is a worthy winner.

6th  Place It  was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:
“Would you  like dinner?” the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.
“What are my choices?” the man asked.
“Yes or no,” she  replied.

5th  Place A  flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check  tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and  he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without blinking an eyelid  she said,
“Sir, I need to see your ticket not your  stub.”

4th  Place A  lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury’s but she couldn’t find one big enough for her family.
She asked a passing  assistant, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?”
The assistant replied, ”  I’m afraid not, they’re dead.”
 

3rd  Place The policeman got out of  his car and approached the boy racer he stopped for speeding.
“I’ve  been waiting for you all day,” the bobby said.
The kid replied, “Yes,  well I got here as fast as I could.”
When the policeman finally stopped  laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
 

2nd  PlaceA  lorry driver was driving along on a country road.
A sign came up that  read ” Low Bridge Ahead.”
Before he realised it, the bridge was  directly ahead and he got stuck under it.
Cars are backed up for  miles.
Finally, a police car comes up.
The policeman got out of  his car and walked to the lorry’s cab
And said to the  driver,
“Got stuck, eh?”The lorry driver said, “No, I was  delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol!”
 

SMART ARSED ANSWER OF THE YEAR  2007 A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her  pupils of tomorrow’s final exam.
“Now listen to me, I won’t tolerate  any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a  nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your  immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!”
A  smart-arsed guy at the back of the room raised his hand and asked,  
“What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete  and utter sexual exhaustion?”
The entire class was reduced to laughter  and sniggering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly  at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,
“Well, I suppose  you’d have to write with your other hand”.